[ T - T R A i N ]

The circus comes to town...

We've been hearing so much from the candidates the last few months that I almost forgot that the official campaigning period just started. Right now everything is still a muddle of information--a combination of facts and rumors. I think people these days are really interested about the process. I'm sure that almost everyone will have an opinion. But we all better do our homework first. Do your research. Look for facts. Reading and hearing other people's opinions are important but know what they are based on. Apply a critical eye on everyhing you read and hear. Hopeully, you'll find a candidate (or candidates since we're voting for several posts, both national and local) that you can fully back and support. Should that fail, at least find someone who will create the least damage. That sounds vey cynical but the truth is the perfect candidate does not (yet) exist. In any case, we must all still exercise our right to choose our leaders.

So, let the fun begin!

John Mayer, "Dreaming With a Broken Heart"

I remember first hearing 'No Such Thing' on WFUV, my radio station in New York. It was the first single out of Mayer's first CD Room for Squares. I was in grad school and WFUV was my arbiter of good music. Although the song came from the perspective of a high schooler, I was then approaching my own threshold and, in some ways, felt that I needed to prove something--if not to the world, then to myself, at least. I guess I was going through my quarter-life crisis. (That was also around the same time that Jonathan Safran Foer came out with his debut novel, Everything Is Illuminated, and I wanted to hate him for being so young and talented, but he he turned out to be a real mensch when I actually got to meet him at a signing. Here's a short story by Foer that others might find gimmicky but, personally, I found it delightful and heart wrenching at the same time.)

I got to see John Mayer one summer after having received from WFUV a free ticket for an afternoon concert at Central Park. I took my eternally snarky friend LT, who's also a big music snob, with me and he complained about the bubblegum-ness of the songs. It did not help that there were way too many teen-aged (or at least, teen-age looking) girls in the audience. And it was raining just before the concert started. I enjoyed it, though. That was just right before John Mayer broke through as an artist.

Mayer has mad skills as a guitar player, and he can do pop, rock, jazz, or blues. And not only does he know how to write good melody, his lyrics resonate with me. Must be an age thing.

Oh, Johnny Boy... You might have questionable taste in women--Jennifer Love Hewitt, Jessica Simpson, Jennifer Aniston, and God knows who else--but I still think you are a great musician and a thoughtful songwriter.

Dreaming With A Broken Heart

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for a moment you can hardly breathe
Wondering was she really here?
Is she standing in my room?
No she's not, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The giving up is the hardest part
She takes you in with her crying eyes
Then all at once you have to say goodbye
Wondering could you stay my love?
Will you wake up by my side?
No she can't, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

Now do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hands
Do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hands?
Do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hands?
Do i have to fall asleep with roses in my , roses in my hands?

Would you get them if i did?
No you won't, 'cause you're gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part

Train Thoughts

By the time this gets posted, I would have just traveled by train from Boston to Washington, DC. (Note: Actually, it’s the day after I arrived in DC. Internet issues and all that. And it was very tempting to “edit,”or not post at all, what I had already written, but where else can I be candid if not here? On a public blog, I mean… Yeesh.) That would be an almost five-hour trip, about equivalent to flying cross-country from New York to California, without the airport hassles. So, this leaves me with plenty of time to do things that one could legally do on a train—sleep, listen music on the iPod, watch a movie, write letters and emails, or just stare out the window and think. I’ve done all of that except watch a movie. I have a couple of films in my iPod I have yet to watch. I am saving those for the trip back.

I am currently on spring break, hence being able to do the trip in the middle of the week. And I’m taking my own sweet lazy time by riding a train instead of flying. (I love trains. Isn’t that already obvious?) But it’s turning out to be not just a trip just for the sake of making a trip. I needed to get away from Cambridge, even if only for a few days. New York was not an option. And it’s been too long since I have seen my friends in DC. They’re ‘The Gang.’ Yes, capital T and G. I never realized how much I needed or wanted to see them. (And here I am with nary a gift. I am such an ungrateful guest.)

I am now in this very weird space. Things are changing around me and in me but for the moment I want things to stay still—or stay the same. Wouldn’t that make things easier to handle? I know that in a couple of months, change will definitely come. I just wish I knew what is going to be on the other side. I know what I want to be on the other side (boy, do I), but I feel that so little is in my control. I struggle with that every day and try to approach it with optimism and determination and patience that would rival even Obama’s but sometimes it’s hard to keep at it. But I’m keeping cool and trying to find humor in things, just like ‘Bama.

I had another one of those bittersweet moments this past weekend. It gave me a glimpse of what the future could be—what I hope it to be—but reason totally puts that out of the equation. Why do people have to be so rational sometimes? There are things that heart knows that the head does not know. You hold on to your heart’s desire and sometimes it is given to you and sometimes all you are left with is hope… or worse, despair. I do not ever want to fall into despair. Not for this one.

But change. Change is coming. In terms of the seasons, it has already come… sort of. It is already spring but, up north, it is still a bit nippy—sometimes sharp but overall more pleasant than it was a few weeks ago. I now get to go out with few layers of clothes. The winter felt endless. One is often asked what one’s favorite season is. My automatic answer is fall. Right now, just because of how endless the winter felt, I’m saying I love spring. But do I need to have a favorite? Do I only have to choose one? Isn’t change and transition the point of having seasons?

And now it's time to shut up...

Cranky

My friend SP told me that I've been very cranky. She dropped by my apartment the other night and shared with me the latest turn in her it-does-not-have-to-be-complicated romantic life. Somehow my frustration and impatience with her prevailed. She told me later on that I almost made her cry. Everything that I said was intended to reiterate important points, ones that I had made several times before. None of them was said out of cruelty but rather out of genuine concern. It's called tough love, folks. I gave her a big, tight hug in the end. She refused to take the "assault" personally and rationalized that my crankiness was brought on by something else. I'm afraid she was right. Part of it was, honestly, my frustration with her diffidence and stubbornness and hardheadedness. The rest... well,I can blame it on my own personal frustrations.

It's about the middle of my final semester and school work is flowing in rather steadily.I'm working on two consulting projects for my classes and, while they're enjoyable and very practical, they do take up a lot of my time. Then, there's the job hunting bit. While I remain optimistic, scouring different websites for job postings and crafting just the right application letter also require quite a bit of time commitment. And then, there are personal relationships. All combined, it can be frustrating and a bit demoralizing at times. I am the kind of person who has taught himself to be self-reliant and independent but sometimes I just find myself needing a shoulder to lean on or a friend to give me a hug and just be here my side (literally or figuratively). I had a chat a few days ago with one of my best friends, GC, who was going through her own personal issues in Perth. We both tried to console and support each other long distance with the assistance of technology. That exchange affirmed a friendship that had been forged almost 20 years ago. While that offered consolation, I also feel like I have very few real friends left--which is really not true (I hope). However, I have never felt so removed and distant from people that I am sort of hoping I could count on. I am not one to sulk or wallow in self pity so life goes on but one wonders about the quality of one's friendships when the people who are supposed to know you best do not know you anymore.

I write this not to have a pity party or gain some sympathy but rather to remind myself that friendships, no matter how tight or intimate or backed by a long history, need to be nurtured and maintained. And each relationship needs to have a reason to exist beyond convenience or mere companionship. DM posted today a link to an article from the Guardian about friendship. She highlighted this section:

"The people who can validate us best are those we can see as equals, and with whom there can be mutual affection, trust, loyalty and acceptance. Such people give us the kind of validation that builds a lasting self-confidence despite the difficulties we encounter.

These are our true friends."

So, yeah, I've been a bit cranky lately. You got a problem with that?

What would you do?

Last week was the week of adamant.

It was new year's day, sitting by the kitchen counter in my cousin's home in Pasadena, when I saw these words hanging by the neck of an unopened champagne bottle.

"What would you do if you knew you couldn't fail?"

I thought, "Heh, how cheesy." And yet the question brought forth a genuine desire to respond because I believed I had an answer, and my answer did not come as a list of of things that I would do. (Come on, you know I could never be that literal.) However, I just held on to my own musings because who would admit to being prodded into an indulgent  self evaluation by a message on a gift tag?

I ponder on the question now in the light how my 2009 kicked off. I had some rather interesting, even profound, experiences going into the first few weeks of the new year, many of which highlighted my stubbornness. Adamant. What would I do if I knew I could not fail? Probably the same things I would do even if I did not know with certainty that I would succeed. Some might call that optimism. In my case, it is very likely stubbornness. Or maybe it's the same thing?

A few weeks ago I did Goofy's Challenge--a marathon and a half marathon in one weekend--at Disney World. While I signed up for it almost a year before the event, the intention to train for it was not followed through. So it was not without hesitation that I put on my running shoes and bib number for the half marathon early Saturday morning. While I knew that I was going to be okay for the half, I was not sure if doing a full marathon the next day would be realistic. I was being overly cautious and trying to be very aware of how my body was doing, and with good reason. My body, not entirely perfectly built for long-distance running, is prone to injuries. But come early Sunday, at 3 a.m., I got out of bed and put on my running shoes and bib number yet again, this time to do the full marathon. I felt good enough to do it. I thought if I took it slowly I would finish the race without any injuries. The point was to, first, get myself to the starting line and, second, finish without injuries. Those were the goals. And I did not doubt that I would not be able to do it. Of course there were a lot of unknowns and anything could have happened that would have completely taken me out of commission, but while I was out there doing the marathon, I knew the finish line was at some point going to come up.

I finished (and so did J, who I ran with). I pushed my body as far as I could and still felt great afterward, which was, to be honest, the biggest surprise for me. If I did not run that day, I would not have known what my body was capable of. Of course, those were not the ideal conditions in which to test my limits, but with every challenge that I face I do learn a lot about myself.

When asked how I was able to run 39.3 miles in one weekend, I honestly say that it was not because of my physical ability. Yes, there is that but it played a very marginal role in this case.  I did what I was able to do out of stubbornness. I willed myself to finish. I wanted to do it. I wanted to finish. I wanted it.

I am the same way other parts of my life. As a son. As a brother. As a student. As a friend. As a lover. As a person. While signs point towards the improbable (or the impractical), some things I push myself to do because I believe in it so much. Sometimes persistence pays off and the universe happily grants me my heart's desire. Sometimes the universe says, "You have not earned it yet," or worse, "You do not deserve it." Regardless of the outcome, I know I am better off for trying. And then New York happened.

As much as I try to shake off New York, it remains profound and very real. It still makes me smile and wonder and marvel... And yet... There are times where common sense tells me to play it cool. And that I have to listen. And I have to be patient. And I should be grateful for and appreciate the gifts I have already been given. Yes, universe, I know, you're funny... ha-ha... Now, stop it!

I have never paid much attention to the word 'bittersweet' before. Better to have bittersweet rather than just be bitter.

Last week was the week of adamant. This week... This is the week of restraint.

Suddenly 32

Really? Thirty-two? Wait, let me check... Yup, 32. Not that it just sneaked up on me. It's just that I really do not count birthday candles and I have to do a mental calculation almost every time I get asked about my age. With JC asking me on the weeks leading up to my birthday what I wanted as a gift, how could I not think about this day? So I got to spend the weekend with my dad, who flew in early Saturday morning and flew out to New York on Sunday afternoon, and JC, who drove in from DC (via Atlantic City) last Friday. We had dinner at Harvest on Saturday evening--that restaurant just became one of my favorites--and, just JC and me, at Sandrine's on Sunday. Both times my dessert got served with a birthday candle on them, thanks to JC who subtly excused himself from the table just before coffee was served.

Whoopee for having two papers due on my birthday. Tonight the Filipinos and Fil-Ams (and friends) at the Kennedy School are having a Filipino potluck at MV's house in Somerville. I volunteered to bring ginatan with bilo-bilo and pinaputok na bangus, two things I've been craving for the past few weeks. I don't know why I thought it was a good idea to prepare two dishes on such a busy day but at least JC is around to help. Anyway, I'm looking forward to it since it's a great way to end this semester, and it's a good way to say good-bye to these people. I'll be the only Filipino left from this group since all of them are graduating this year. (I do not know how many, or if there any, coming in next year.)

Just like RP, who turned 31 last Thursday (Go Taureans!), I'm going to list some people who share my birthday... Burt Bacharach, George Carlin, Gabriel Byrne, Emilio Estevez, Vanessa Williams, Tony Hawk, Kim Fields, Samantha Mathis, Mackenzie Astin, Jason Biggs... Hmmm, such a mixed bag. Anyway, I need to continue working on my papers.

Satisfying Week

It's been a very busy week but also rather satisfying. Monday started off with the Boston Marathon. No, I did not run it but I got to see the final minutes of the women's race because it was being shown on the large screen at the HKS Forum. (JC waited it out in the apartment before driving back to DC.) It's the oldest annual marathon in the world and they just had their 101th race this year. I will never qualify for the Boston Marathon and will never get to conquer Heartbreak Hill but it's just nice to see other people do it. Later on in the evening, I met up with MP to prepare the slides for our benchmarking project presentation. It was pretty painless and we did a lot of work in a couple of hours. We both went home feeling good and confident about our material I was particularly proud of the framework (and the graphic) that we came up with to explain our topic, which was succession management.

Tuesday was a busy day for me since I had to interview two more organizations for our benchmarking project. It was a back-to-back interview in the afternoon and when I couldn't find a quiet spot anywhere in  school, I decided to just go home and do the interview in the comfort my own apartment. Both interviews went pleasantly well. It's hard to get hold of executive directors and CEOs of nonprofits because they all have very busy schedules but the ones that I talked to were very eager to help me out and found time to talk with me about succession. My problem after doing the interviews was figuring out whether to integrate it with the presentation we were doing the next day or not, but we ended up just picking up a few salient points and will just work the rest into the final paper later on. I worked on the slides a bit more but I fell asleep before I had the chance to work on my slide notes.

Next day was an early day. Without any of the presentation notes ready, I had to hustle it to school as early as I could so that I would have enough time to prepare for our 8.40 am class. Well, how hard could it be to write out notes for a 3 minute presentation? (MP and I were splitting the 6 minutes allocated for our main presentation.) Harder than I expected. The thing was I had a lot to say about our topic. I was also working with around six slides. That's about 30 seconds per slide? It could work... I had to edit out a lot of stuff but it all worked out in the end. We were the last of three groups for that day and we were the only one that did not have the client present. Our presentation went rather well although MP had to cut me off because I only left him with only a minute to do his bit! The response was enthusiastic--succession management is a very important topic in the nonprofit world but very seldom talked about in any detail--both in class and in the blog. The feedback were also very helpful. And apparently, we were the first group to ever benchmark succession management so it was great to have tackled such a topic.

I felt great relief after the presentation but the day did not end there. I had an appointment with my marketing professor almost soon after class. Remember the marketing paper that we/I did? Well, we got a 90 (out of 100) and it turned out to be one of the better papers. The prof said that not a lot of people/groups got a grade higher than 90 and we were one of the few to "get it." I asked her about market segmentation and the next case we have to work on--Boston's Museum of Fine Arts--and also felt good coming out of that consultation.

The rest of the day was doing research work and just waiting for the start of the formal launch party of the Kennedy School Review. Yes, we finally launched it (although we've been taking order for the last couple of weeks) and copies had been delivered to us. Unfortunately, the printers slightly messed up the cover and a corrected batch will not be delivered until Wednesday of next week. But it was good to finally be able to hold something in our hands, although I "lost" my copy to Prof CS at the party. The party was fun and I got to have a few very interesting conversations, especially the one that I had with the writer of the Michelle Rhee profile, MF. Speaking of Michelle Rhee... Maybe I'll just write about it in my next post...

So, fairly quiet day today. I got a pack of rice cakes today from my friend S, who just celebrated his baby's 100th day yesterday. I don't know if the rice cake had anything to do with the event but it's supposed to be a big deal for Koreans. And guess what? It finally feels like spring over here!

Roughed, Dropped

MP, my benchmarking partner, and I had a good meeting with our professor. We were both feeling a bit run down, just in general, and we're also a bit worried about our paper. We have only done three interviews so far for our project and we need at least six. We submitted a rough draft and rough was the only word to describe it. Next Wednesday we are presenting our findings in front of the class so we need to have an updated draft posted online so that our classmates can read ahead and comment on our work. This is a tough crowd so we're more than a little bit anxious about the presentation too. The first batch to present last Monday, three papers in all, did a very good job. Anyway, the professor told us that we only need to have interviewed four organizations at minimum by the time we present. We can make up for the balance later on when we submit the final paper. That's a load off our back. Plus, our client, being in DC, will not be present during the presentation. We sent them email telling them we can arrange a voice or video conference but did not really get a firm response from them. Another pressure point released. MP and I are both traveling this weekend and we're going to be squeezing in work whenever we can while at the same time hoping to enjoy our time off. We'll see.

The meeting with the professor was good for another reason. I haven't participated at all the whole semester in this class. At 8.40 in the morning, who has the energy? So I think he was happy just to see me in his office--I haven't gone to his office hours either--and hear me speak and share my thoughts. I'm more awake at 3 pm than I am at 8 am!

I am glad it's Thursday. Worked on a homework/memo this morning and I was able to finish with plenty of time to spare. Not that the final product was by any means an excellent piece of work. We discussed the case in class this afternoon and I definitely missed a lot of important points. But anyway, the point is that it's Thursday. No class for me tomorrow. I'm flying off to DC. We have a KSR staff party tonight (I think). And after I pack tonight, I think I'll be just about ready to drop.

Colder than a penguin's t---.

It was cold this morning. Now, it's cold. -er.

And in units the rest of the world understands...

Who would like to come and visit now? Oh, I can't wait to visit Florida next month.

Thank God It's Thursday

We have a long weekend so I guess I have time to pause, sit down, and breathe. I had a long week. I had two problem sets and a mid-term, on top of all the readings I had to do (which, to be honest, I didn't get to do for the most part). One of the problems sets and the mid-term were okay. I struggled with the problem set for the class in public finance. Anybody out there who knows something about public finance? Is there anybody there who can explain to me single- and double-peaked preferences, majority voting, median voters, and Arrow's impossibility theorem? Can you tell me how the median voter will behave? Anybody? Ummm....

All the learning doesn't happen just in the classroom, though. In the last three weeks I've heard the following people speak at the KSG Forum: Serbia's Minister of Foreign Affairs Vuk Jeremic (a KSG alum, MPA/ID 2003, and, at 32, currently one of the youngest foreign ministers in the world) who talked about the future of the Balkans; President Abdoulaye Wade of Senegal; Hoshyar Zebari, Foreign Minister of Iraq (and whose event caused a lot of hoopla in the KSG campus for security reasons but then I ran into him on the streets of Cambridge as I was walking to school); and Thomas Schelling, Nobel Laureate for Economics 2005 (and former KSG professor), who delivered the 2007 Godkin Lecture. Muhammad Yunus and John Amaechi are also slated to address the Forum this month, things to look forward to.

I haven't had a lot of time to socialize. I spend most of my days (and night) with my books and readings, mainly trying to keep up with the requirements. But surprisingly, I think this has been the most relaxed I've been in school--any school. (I just know that I'm going to eat my words in about a week or so when I have a quiz to study for and a problem set to figure out by Monday, and a memo and paper to deliver on Tuesday.) People aren't very grade conscious. I guess it's because they don't feel that they don't have anything to prove, which is true. It's all about the work and the learning and the learning that happens outside of the classroom. The professors always encourage collaboration and discussion among classmates, even with homeworks (but, obviously, not with exams). Everyone assumes you have something special and unique to bring into the class and into the groups. Grades? At the end of the day it's just a number. Of course not everything is hunky-dory. People complain about boring classes, hard to understand professors, heavy workloads, etc.

So, what's in store for the long weekend? My dad, who has been staying at my place since last Sunday is leaving this Saturday. He's here to attend a conference. JC is also coming over this weekend. My apartment is starting to feel like a hotel. But their visits are both very welcome, it's the kind of distraction that I need. (I noticed that even with my school workload this week and my father in the studio apartment with me, it was my first time to stick to a normal sleeping schedule.)

I'll try to be a good student and try not to completely slack off in the next three days. But I'll also try to enjoy my time off. My dad and I will go see the Boston Symphony tomorrow night. And I think 'Wicked' is in the calendar for JC and me. And probably some good eating. And maybe a bit of shopping, perhaps? We'll see. I'm just glad it's Thursday.