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(Docu) Films to Watch Out For, Part II

I wrote about Joel Engardio's documentary film Knocking in a post from last year. For those living in the US, it's finally going to have its PBS premiere this summer after being screened in several festivals and picking up a number of 'best documentary' awards. (If you use AOL, you've probably seen it on some of the their pages since it's being featured this month on their True Stories page.) In most places, it's going to be broadcast on May 22, Sunday, at 10 p.m. but do check your local schedule since a lot of PBS stations decided to show it at a later date and, worse, at an unholy hour, probably thinking that there will not be a lot of interest on the film. But it is a very interesting and engaging film, informative, and very touching. It provides a very honest portrayal of Jehovah's Witnesses by presenting us with two men, each from a different generation, and sharing with us their very personal and intimate stories--one, a liver transplant patient who would not accept blood transfusion, which makes the procedure riskier, because his faith forbids it, and the other, a Holocaust survivor who converted to the faith because of what he witnessed as a camp prisoner.

Joel wrote an essay about the documentary and it appears on the Opinion page of today's edition (Monday) of USA Today so flip over to that section of you have it. If not, you can read online by clicking here. And here's a link to the documentary's website. The film is also out on DVD, which contains lots of additional materials.

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Okay, the part two of the post came 10 months later. (Noticed that this was titled part one?) I was intending to write about another documentary film titled For the Bible Tells Me So, an official selection at this year's Sundance Film Festival. Just like Knocking, this one also looks at religious conservatives but from a different angle. While Engardio's film examines the experiences of Jehovah's Witnesses and how their beliefs, as conservative as they are, actually expanded the definition and application of some laws and rights, For the Bible Tells Me So looks at the intersection of religion and homosexuality and how the Bible is used to alienate LGBTs from the Christian faith. It presents the stories of five families along with interviews of religious authorities, which includes Archbishop Desmond Tutu, who openly denounce the use of the Bible as a divisive tool to stir up hatred against gays.

I have not seen the film myself (and would very much want to see it) but know of it because my cousin worked on it as a co-producer. I was visiting her and her family in South Pasadena back in 2003 when Gene Robinson was consecrated as the first openly gay bishop of the Episcopalian Church. My cousin was in California but was in touch with Dan Karslake, the director, writer, and producer, and the film crew. It was an important event and is an important part of the film. Robinson and his family were one of the five families featured in film.

I don't know where For the Bible Tells Me So will be screened next but be sure to check it out if you come across it. Here is the website.

Not for the Promise of Heaven

I don't remember where I got this--I'm sure it's from some friend's blog--but when cleaning and sorting my stuff recently, I unearthed this printout of a prayer by Francis Xavier, translated into several languages and versions. It's all from the same prayer but each one had its own beauty and meaning and nuance. I remember reading them for the first time and was so moved. May we all love others that way, God or human, just for what they are and not for the promise of reward or fear of punishment, not for the promise of company or fear of being alone. I love because it is, because you are. "Pagka't kung pag-asa'y bula lamang pala, walang mababago: mahal pa rin kita."

Here's the prayer, In the original Latin:

O Jesu ego amo Te
Nec amo Te ut salves me
Aut quia non amantes Te
Aeterno punis igene.
Tu, Tu mi Jesu totum me
Amplexus es in cruce,
Tulisti clavos, lanceam
Multamque ignominiam,
Innumeros dolores,
Sudores et algores
Et mortem et haec propter me
Et pro me peccatore.
Cur igitur non amem Te
Mi Jesu amantissime,
Non ne aeternum damnes me
Nec ut in caelo salves me
Nec praemii ullius spe.
Sed sicut Tu amasti me
Sic amo et amabo Te,
Solum quia Rex meus es
Et solum quia Deus es.

~ St Francis Xavier

A close English translation by Edward Caswall:

My God, I love thee: not because
I hope for heaven thereby,
Nor because they who love thee not
Must burn eternally.
Thou, O my Jesus, Thou didst me
Upon the Cross embrace;
For me didst bear the nails and spear,
And manifold disgrace.
And grief and torments numberless,
And sweat of agony;
Yea, death itself; and all for me
Who was thine enemy.
Then why, O Blessed Jesu Christ,
Should I not love thee well??
Not for the hope of winning heaven,
Nor of escaping hell;
Not with the hope of gaining aught,
Not seeking a reward;
But as thyself hast loved me,
O ever-loving Lord!
Efen so I love thee and will love,
And in thy praise will sing,
Solely because thou art my God,
And my eternal King.

~ Edward Caswall (Tr.) (1814-1878)

A simpler and concise English version, source unknown:

It is not your promised heaven
That moves me, Lord, to love you.
It is not the fear of hell
That forces me to fear you.

What moves me, Lord, is you, Lord,
Fixed to a cross and mocked.
What moves me is your wounded body,
The insults and your death.

What moves me really is your love,
So that were there no heaven,
I would love you still,
Were there no hell,
I would fear you still.
For me to love you,
You need nothing to give,
For even if I did not hope,
Even so I would love you.
As indeed I love.

And finally, in Filipino:

Hindi sa langit Mong pangako sa akin
Ako naakit na Kita'y mahalin,
At hindi sa apoy, kahit anong lagim,
Ako mapipilit nginig Kang sambahin.

Naaakit ako nang Ika'y mamalas
Nakapako sa krus, hinahamakhamak.
Naaakit ng Iyong katawang may sugat
At nang tinaggap Mong kamataya't libak.

Naaakit ako ng Iyong pag-ibig.
Kaya't mahal Kita
Kahit walang langit, kahit walang apoy
Sa 'Yo'y manginginig.

Huwag nang maabala upang ibigin Ka
'Pagkat kung pag-asa'y bula lamang pala,
Walang mababago: Mahal pa rin Kita.

~ Edward Alejo SJ

Alive

I haven't read a page of Joan Didion's The Year of Magical Thinking in more than three weeks. I haven't thought about it or had the urge to pick it up since coming back from Miami. If I remember correcly, the last time I read from it was when I was on the plane back to Washington, DC. I put the book on the empty seat next to mine. We had a very rough landing and the book fell from the seat and slid down the carpeted floor, under the seats and between passengers' legs, and was later found four or five rows down. The past three weeks had been very busy, with a lot of distractions, most of them good and welcome, that reading for pleasure almost seemed like an uncessary diversion. I had a very wonderful extended weekend, busy yet relaxing, and this morning I just decided to pack the book in my bag again to read on the bus. I was nearing the end of the book and I got to the part where Didion quotes C.S. Lewis:

"I think I am beginning to understand why grief feels like suspense," C.S. Lewis wrote after the death of his wife. "It comes from the frustration of so many impulses that had become habitual. Thought after thought, feeling after feeling, action after action, had H. for their object. Now their target is gone. I keep on through habit fitting an arrow to the string, then I remember and have to lay the bow down. So many roads lead thought to H. I set out on one of them. But now there's an impassable frontierpost across it. So many roads once; now so many cul de sacs."

That part hit me because it sort of explains what I had gone through recently. I had gotten used to some things, had come to expect things that the loss was just so severe and, for a while, unacceptable. I didn't have to deal with death but it felt that way. But then, death comes in many forms. A heartbreak is one. And I am so amazed at how far removed I now feel from all of that. No, it hasn't been forgotten. How can one forget something like that? But I have laid down my bow and arrow. No, that is also not true. I am now looking in a different direction and aiming my arrow at a different target. I now have a different goal. I have redrawn my map and turned my back from cul de sacs. I am now wandering new and unfamiliar roads, which is both scary and exciting. But I have always been a wanderer, a traveler, an explorer, so I am in my element.

I will always carry my experience, my past, with me. And thank you to those who allowed me to go through that, who let me be weak and vulnerable, who didn't think any less of me or chastised me for breaking down and simply being human. You know me best because you believed in me and you had no doubt I was going to come out of it, as I always have. Now, it feels like a lifetime ago. Today, I feel more alive.